The Grind

Staying in the grind is one of my biggest failures. I constantly stay in my own lane instead of getting out of my comfort zone and doing/saying the things I really want to. That is not to say that the grind is bad because it isn't. The grind has a time and a place and it can be very useful for dealing with monotony. But that ain't me. I so badly desire to get out of the funk and be free. I want to do this for a living and not worry about sitting at a desk arbitrarily for the next 50ish years. Again don't take this to mean that the grind is bad. There is a use to it but it shouldn't become your/my excuse to be lazy.

The Monster I Keep in my Pocket

There is a monster that I keep in my pocket everyday.
It is small and dark and completely terrifying.
But it is also small enough that I put it in my pocket for the day.
The monster is a killer with gnashing teeth and beady eyes.
People likely have similar monster in their pockets.
Some do and some don't; but I'll never know.
That's because we don't talk about the monsters in our pockets.
We all know some have them and some don't.
But we all act like no one has them at all.
Somewhere along the time it became easier to ignore the monsters.
Even though I carry mine with me it doesn't always bother me.
Some days I can almost feel like I don't have a monster at all.
I want to be one of those people without any monster.
We all want to be one of those people.
But we don't talk about our monsters.
When it acts out my monster can cripple me with doubt.
My monster can derail my life.
My monster can even take away my will to live.
I could take my life but then the monster wins.
I refuse to be beaten by this monster.
Or any other monster that may replace this one.

My monster is called depression.

What Do I Do?

I have this recurring dream that is semi regular at this point. In the dream I stand on the edge of a great cliff that looks around and is surrounded by air on three side and a treacherous hill to my back. Surely arriving at the top of this metaphorical mountain must have been an incredible hike. Yet as I stand on the edge and stretch my arms out to either side I feel fear inside my soul. As I stand the wind kicks up and swirls around me in the air causing the dirt to kick up and twirl on the breeze. Then a magnanimous voice from above says "you know what to do!" The voice says it with such ferocity that it is surely growing out of patience with me. "What if I don't make it?" I asked the body-less voice as if to start some ethereal conversation. "Then you know the other choice is" it loudly responds.

At first I thought that the dream was about depression as I felt like the voice was telling me to stand tall and what laid in front on me was a bottomless black pit that I should avoid. But sometimes I fall in the dream and I think it is not so bad, the fall isn't what scares me so much as knowing what awaits at the bottom.

But as I recall more and more of the night time scenery I am beginning to suspect that that message is different. I think that thing I am suppose to do is fly. Sometimes more recently I don't jump/fall off the cliff and then I die of old age just standing there afraid to move. That then would be the second thing the voice warns me about.

My brain is working through something where it is necessary to make a choice. I can either take a chance and go for it, which would be symbolized by jumping. Or I can remain on the cliff which would mean not taking whatever that chance was. If I don't jump, I grow old and die on the cliff having always been afraid of it but never knowing if I would fall or if I would fly. But if I take the chance and jump, I may fall but I may also fly. And flying would be the most wonderful thing my heart can imagine.

So do you let life pass you by? Or do you take the chance? Stand on the cliff? Or jump? The choice is yours.

New Year - New Challenge?

The plan was to start the new year off right and get back to putting words on paper every day but that fell apart hard. I began 2015 with some great ideas and plans to write but also with the flu. So that's always fun but it isn't an excuse. So it may be eleven days late but here is the new year writing challenge I have set about for myself.