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Choice

Lately I have been thinking about how life seems to boil down to choice. And how often I have felt like I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. But these ideas are intrinsically linked. My choices in my life are part chance but so are everyone else's. I am not ballsy enough to say that anyone else who isn't sure of something is the same, but I was simply lazy. I realize with my perfect hindsight that I was just to lazy to make a decision. So for me at least it wasn't about not knowing as much as it was lazy. But that is no way to go through life and it isn't right. I guess sometimes you have to ask yourself is it uncertainty or laze?

Different

I once wrote that if you asked me if I had ever been alienated I would lie and say I had not. When in reality I have been alienated over and over again in my life by almost everyone I have ever met. In fact most days of my life I am alienated in some way, shape, or form. But the truth goes much deeper then my pop psychology self diagnosis. I started thinking recently about why I feel this way and it suddenly dawned on me that it has to be me. I am almost thirty years old and it took me to this point to figure out that the problem wasn't the whole world, it was just me. I feel strangely free by this information, like a ton of weight has been taken off me. I feel slightly embarrassed that it took me this long to figure it out and I feel remorse for those who have yet to grasp it.

Pass It On?

I have this recurring idea of taking a notebook and writing a few pages in the book and then leaving it sitting somewhere like the library. It would have instructions inside the front cover for the next person to write or draw something and then leave the notebook somewhere. And in the back cover there would be a PO Box return the notebook to when it was full. I also have a similar idea of getting a group together and each writing a few pages and then mailing the notebook to the next person. I think both idea would be really cool and I would love to start one or the other. Or would it just be easier to do all this digitally?

I also think an online book club would be cool. That has to be a thing already isn't it?

New Camera

I got my new camera today from the UPS person (well they delivered it.) I was so excited that I borrowed a camera from a friend to shoot an un-boxing video. In hindsight it seems like that might be a silly idea but I will post the video whenever I get it edited. My new camera is very vlog ready and that is exciting. We are getting closer and closer to August and my promise to vlog in August. I will also be taking some classes on video editing and production to help out.

I had a productive day at the gym today but I eat a but of food when I got home, anyone have any ideas how to combat that?

Sometimes...

For a part of my life I thought it was easier to be mean to people then to let them in or to even feel my own feelings. It was easier to me to avoid getting hurt because I wasn't putting myself out there. But that isn't right or even fair to others. It didn't make me a better person or even help me cope. It just made me an asshole. But I am working on it.

The Stuff I Come Up With...

When is it the right way of the write day? The solutions aren't so simple.

The chains that bind my creativity are solely in my head and I am unsure how to shed my bonds. If my dreams are to be believed, one day I will have to make a difficult choice between two seemingly similar concepts. The similarities are only a facade as one choice takes me to happiness and the other leads into the depths of hell. In my dreams I always make the wrong decision. I wonder if this dream is an extension of my feelings that the world hastily left me behind. I am not Job and my faith occasionally wavers. I wish I could be more helpful to others who feel this way. I am no expert, but I am willing to give advice if it is solicited. On the other hand this is not a self help book. Where am I going with this? What is life? Life is the sum of everything you experience. Your hopes, dreams, thoughts, prayers, and feelings all rolled up into you. Combining the good, bad, and indifferent to make a bouillabaisse that encompasses us all.

Could I write a love story? I wasn't man enough to be what she needed. It haunts me as the single greatest failure I have ever achieved. Beautiful is a dime a dozen, easy going with a sense of humor is much more difficult to find. Add intelligence and a kind heart it makes the perfect person, but is nearly impossible to find in others. And if I ever found the combination again would I deserve the person who possessed it? So I came to the realization a few years ago but I put off writing about it for a bit. I think I am finally ready to put this into my journal.  I am the only person to blame for all the mistakes made in my life. Some of you might be shocked to hear me say this and still others are wondering why it took my twenty something years to figure it out. And I am willing to admit that I have been blaming my failures on other people for a long time. I still don't fell like I should have many regrets. I learned from this things that I screwed up and I will use that wisdom to guide me going forward. I did but a few bridges that would be nice to have available to me, nut since I torched them I have to live with that decision. It is time for Ben to place the responsibility on how he turned out on Ben. I am somewhat ashamed that it took me this long to figure this out.

Life is simple, make choices and don't look back live with the consequences. Wasn't the choice to live the life or give up? It is never that simple. We live in a world that is itself grey. The options are many and sometimes difficult to distinguish among. What happened to doors 1, 2, or 3? Now the number is nearly infinite. I sometimes feel like the choices themselves have become the prison. It is almost as if they gave us this many options to keep us occupied. It is a damn fine strategy if I may say so. What better way to bury a person that to do it with the illusion of choices? The prison is then in the mind of the individual and not made of actual stone. The digital age was supposed to bring new freedom not admonish it outright.

I am a hypocrite. I reap the full bounty of this world we live in on a daily basis. If it wasn't obvious by this point I have no formal training in prose. I mostly cobble together thoughts, dreams, and rants into type form as a means of dealing with life. I do think I would like it very much to be a writer one day. And by that I mean to support myself totally just by writing. If it never happens then that would be okay as well. I would like to hear from others about what and why they write so don't hesitate to contact me.

I have decided that with my time in the dating pool that dating for looks is foolish. I feel like I wasted too much time going for people that I considered 'good looking.' And if it was painfully obvious to everyone else but me then I am the fool. It is so very much more important to date someone based on mutual interest and hobbies. Now I need to figure out where to meet single women who like to write and read. When I was in school I used to write about Poe a lot. I wanted to write like him and tried to model my life after his (not my best idea.) The funny part is that all that 'dark' writing these days would get a young person in trouble.